girls clothes

Countywide birthday party sparks hope for girls aging out of foster care - Kent Reporter

Posted: 16 Jul 2019 11:35 AM PDT

Sitting under a balloon arch surrounded by colorfully wrapped birthday presents, 17-year-old Kathie Nguyen beamed as she explained why this was the first birthday in her lifetime that she actually enjoyed.

Nguyen, along with other girls from the South King County area, received more than just birthday wishes at Celebrate 18! – a countywide party for girls aging out of the foster care system.

Hosted by Eileen & Callie's Place, a Kent-based nonprofit organization, Celebrate 18! provided makeovers, new outfits, education and job resources, and more to the birthday girls last Saturday.

The overall idea is to build up the girls' confidence and support them in the next stage of life after foster care, said Dr. Natalie Ellington, founder of Eileen & Callie's Place.

"Every one of their stories is different," Ellington said. "The only thing that's the same is they've all been impacted by a system that's been broken for a long time."

Love could be found in all the details of the Celebrate 18! event at the Auburn Event and Community Center. When searching for a new outfit, the birthday girls perused racks of shoes, clothes and jewelry designed to mimic a boutique shopping experience. Clothes were available in a broad range of sizes to accommodate all body types.

On-site representatives and resources included King County library cards, voter registration, information on continuing education and career networking.

"We wanted every single thing to say 'we thought about you,' " Ellington said.

As Nguyen exited the dressing room area at the event to show Ellington her new outfit and heels, volunteers and other attendees cheered and applauded while she struck a few poses.

"I feel like I was actually loved and supported by others," Nguyen said after the event. "It's kind of overwhelming because I've never had this kind of care and love in my life … I love today."

Nguyen, who lives in a group home in Tacoma, attends high school in Federal Way and has lived in dozens of foster care homes throughout South King County. She has been in the foster care system since she was 13 years old, after a childhood of sexual abuse began at age 6.

The trauma from her childhood combined with mistreatment at group homes, such as at Iowa's Clarinda Academy according to the Inlander in 2018, has led to difficulties with self-harming, she said.

Celebrate 18! proved to be the new beginning she needed, Nguyen said.

"I feel like this was a 'Hey Kathie, new opportunity! Doors opening for you. Step in.'"

Aside from the generous gifts of the day, Nguyen's favorite part was hearing the advice and personal experiences of five women who are foster care alumni themselves. Hearing these women offer guidance was one of her first experiences of motherly love.

"It helps to know I'm not alone."

As the party concluded with dinner and birthday dessert, the event's speakers offered advice they would give their younger selves. Auburn Mayor Nancy Backus was among the special guests.

Speakers included Jamerika Haynes, Ms. Evergreen State 2018 and founder of Clever Jam Communications; Barbara Rockey, Treehouse education specialist and Seattle Public Schools Board of Directors candidate; Lisa Barnes, Salvation Army captain and author; Kathy Ohrt, assistant manager of Foster Champs of Maple Valley nonprofit; and Latasha Eaddy Haynes, owner of Tacoma-based Ike and Tash Photography and Motion and youth program manager at Advancing Leadership.

Sometimes comparison leaves a lacking feeling, said Barnes, who lived in 30 to 40 foster care homes during her adolescence.

"We learn to measure ourselves up against others before we really know the value of the measuring stick," she said. "We see other little girls with more bracelets or more dolls and we feel like their lives are better than ours. … "

You are not alone in your overwhelming anxiety or crippling trauma or searing pain, you just know yours, Barnes explained. While every feeling is valid, the bad experiences do not have to be yours forever.

The conversation then opened up for the birthday girls to ask questions about how to navigate life during and after foster care.

One birthday girl's question brought many to tears.

"How do you let others love you?" she asked. "And how do you love yourself? I've never felt love so I don't know how to let (people) in."

Don't hold people responsible if they didn't do it, Barnes said.

Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to heal, said Rockey.

"Before I could say 'I love you,' I would tell people 'I care for you,' " she said. "Give yourself permission to take your time."

Fulfilling that "must" of every birthday party, each girl blew out a candle on a decorated cupcake after the crowd sang happy birthday. Although the candle flames went out at the end of the night, the hope for these young girls blazes on.

Kathie Nguyen blows out her birthday candle at Saturday's Celebrate 18! event. OLIVIA SULLIVAN, Federal Way Mirror

Hairdressers, makeup artists and nail technicians were available to give each birthday girl a makeover. OLIVIA SULLIVAN, Federal Way Mirror

Clothes, shoes and jewelry were neatly placed on display racks to provide the birthday girls with a shopping experience. OLIVIA SULLIVAN, Federal Way Mirror

As a mom, I always let my daughter choose any outfit she wants. It's harder, but so vital, for boys too. - NBC News

Posted: 07 Jul 2019 12:00 AM PDT

The frustration that some parents feel around gendered children's clothing is not news; many a parent of girls has lamented the flounce vs. function divide in kid's clothing departments, the pastel vs. primary colors stratification, and the utterly nonsensical differences in cut, sizing and functionality. Boys get "rough and tumble" clothes with dinosaurs and sharks and robots — and durable fabrics that are easy to wash and dry — while girls get glittered pouffery with some day-glo and butterflies mixed in, printed on cotton-lycra blend that puckers down a size upon washing, even in the gentle cycle.

Honestly, the disparity is disturbing, even as the parent of a girl and a femme of longstanding who feels no conflict about my own girly-girl ways. I like having long hair, wearing makeup and splurging on lash extensions. (The long French manicured acrylic nail tips had to go, though, when I realized how much they interfered with the daily tasks of parenting. "Mommy, I'm glad you got rid of your thick, pink-and-white nails" my daughter now says when I push down the flip-open bathtub drain with ease). But I didn't feel good about passing my preferences along to my daughter as a mandate.

Once she was old enough to help me shop for her, I let her decide what to wear, as long as it wasn't too flirty, too uncomfortable, too revealing or — cutting myself a break here — too high-maintenance. (Mommy needs a wash-and-wear kid. She can have dry-clean-only clothes when she's old enough to drive to the cleaner's.) If she wanted mermaids and unicorns and hearts and flowers and cottony frills, cool. If she wanted trucks and robots and beige and camouflage, that was cool, too — there was nothing wrong with shopping in the "boys" department if that's where the marketing powers that be put the clothing she wanted. And if she wanted to mash it all up, wearing robot T-shirts with her glitter tulle, hey, she could knock herself out.

But, especially as a parent whose child sees gender differences underscored in the military dress uniforms her friends' parents wear, I knew that it is less complicated to grant such sartorial freedom to a girl. (For the Army's part, they are soon rolling out a more gender-neutral uniform that recalls the pinks-and-greens of The Greatest Generation.) Girls who veer into the boy's department are more readily accepted, and in the back of my mind, I worried that, if I'd had a boy, helping him find any femme might break both our hearts — that he'd be met with teasing from other children, adult rebuke, or worse. And that feeling persisted no matter how much hope I held that the world is expanding its views on gender and fashion, however incidentally.

And then I saw a boy in a pair of sparkly silver shoes.

My daughter, who recently turned five, has a best friend at our military post preschool named Alvaro. Alvie, I noticed, has taken to sitting on the classroom's alphabet carpet for Morning Meeting wearing cargo shorts, a superhero T-shirt, and glittery silver sneakers with lavender laces; sometimes he wears a hot pink zip-front hoodie.

Nobody cares. None of the other kids make fun of him. The teachers never comment, and I've not heard so much as a peep from another parent — even though the military, as a social milieu, falls on the traditional side. Alvie's doing Alvie, and it's no big deal.

My daughter sees Alvie as a fashion inspiration, in that he shows her she can dress how she likes. (I'd describe her look as "My Little Pony goes to Coachella."). At Target the other day, she asked for sneakers just like Alvie's. I'm glad they're sharing a robust friendship and fashion-forward looks.

And, more than anything, I'm glad Alvie's mom stands by him. I've seen how important that can be: I have another friend, the matriarch of a deeply religious family stationed in Texas, whose 6-year-old son wears nail polish to school every day. He'd been doing it for a year before another kid teased him because it's something "for girls." His mother assures him that's not true: It's something for everyone who wants it.

Like most people, I'm not a proponent of obliterating gender, but I am an advocate for expanding our concept of how diverse it can be. There is life beyond the binary, and aesthetic freedom beyond the borders of pink for girls and blue for boys. I support allowing kids to explore, experiment, and blur the boundaries. Working out one's personal style should be fun, not fraught. As parents, we can encourage kids in taking chances and developing preferences. Supporting your child in expressing themselves through appearance without pressure to conform to the "right" way to look as a boy or a girl can be part and parcel of letting a kid be a kid.

And it's already happening, in corners far more conservative than you might expect.